If u come out of hospital it's very strange to be home in the beginning, Many so called friends (beside the real friends that supported me) come and visit u in your home they never saw. Strange for them but even stranger for me. Everybody visits u with the thought it might be the last time. The only thing is...from my real friends i never heard how difficult it was and how much grief they had but all the others camer up to me after not seeing them for 2 years telling me the only thing they think about is my cancer.

 

Trust me the last thing u wanna hear is that. After a while the visits stop and everybody goed back to normal life. Normal offcourse and would never blame anybody but so many people i didn't see for ages told me they would visit me and try to stay in touch. Never heard anything....

 

But then after the first month u have to go back to hospital for your fist check up. Still now after 2,5 years i go there every month but the first time is the hardest. I remember it like yesterday entering the hospital like i did to get the results from my first tests. It all comes back. The people the doctors even the smell. I had to take the elevator to the 7th floorjust to see who was in my room now.....strange but true. There was a young girl my age. I said hello and allmost ran away crying. I couldn't cope with i! But i had to....this would be my destiny for the next 5 years.

 

Going into the waiting room of the ct scan i rememberd sitting there for the first time with a friend and my former girlfriend. laughing because of the nerves and offcourse then i still thought it wouldn't be me! But i was.

 

Then u have to wait one whole week for the results. In the beginning that is the hardest part of all. The waiting. Imagine u did a very important exam and everything depends on the results. Imagine that but then your life is one the line. Still after 2,5 years now i'm nervous to go to my oncologist to get the results.

 

As i told u before life goes on and slowly i try to get back to life. U start wordking again and people say u look good so everything should be fine! But still in your head it's a mess! A big f***ng mess! It took me 9 months before i collapsed and then u fall back. U gave everything a nice place in the back of your head but it all comes backt to you. Again after a few weeks u calm down and it goes back to normal. I've been doing that for to long.

 

I visisted 3 different shrinks but they didn't connect so that didn't work so u are on your own. At least that's what i thought. After a year or so i found out when i was on a forum there is a non bennefit organisation in Holland called http://www.stichtingjongerenenkanker.nl . This organisation is specialized in helping young people between the age of 15 and 35 having cancer. The inform u and once every 3 months there is a gathering of all members. Normally about 20 will visit and no it's not like an AA meeting. "My name is max i'm 29 years old and i have cancer" 

 

No it's good to talk to people that have they same experience There is a lot u don't have to say because they experienced the same thing u did. The good thing about the getting together is that you don't have to explain anymore because u are all in same position.

 

U meet people that u become friends with. On of them is called Patricia Boersma. She was diognosed with a brain tumor at the same date i was in december 2001.

 

TO BE FINISHED